Happy Wednesday Scribblers, I can’t believe we are halfway through March and we are heading into Spring. How has your 2020 been going? Are you looking forward to Spring? Summer? Are you worried about the COVID-19 Virus? Worried about the coming election? There is a lot happening all around us and it can feel overwhelming, right?
These last few months I’ve felt like I’ve been in a fog, a kind of holding pattern of sorts. I go to work; I come home; I work on my writing (mostly editing); I spend some time on my marketing (i.e. social media) and that’s been about it. I have a new story idea that is floundering around in both my writing files and in my brain. I’m about seven chapters in and that is where it’s sitting. The characters aren’t talking yet, and the story idea feels lacking.
When I throw in everything that is going on around me; the virus, the coming election, not seeing enough rain so far, the weirdness of my family since the passing of my sister, I feel stuck. It all feels like I have no control. Life is happening around me, and I’m a passive passenger.
I don’t like it.
I suppose it could be the mourning for my sister. Heck, it could be a winter funk. I’m not sure. So, today, I wanted to spend a moment writing this, get all these random thoughts out of my head and down on paper. Hoping to hear that I’m not alone. That I’m not the only one that feels this way.
I’ve been realizing how out of control the world seems, even in my personal world, and how I have little ability to control any of it. I think also, I’m angry about the death of my sister. Her dying wasn’t the plan. We were supposed to outlive our folks and grow cranky and old together. We were supposed to sit around and talk about how nutty mom and dad were and how no one would ever really understand our lives growing up except us. She and I were supposed to make fun of our own aging and our spouses and how they annoy us at that moment for whatever reason. But now I don’t get to do that. My sister meant a lot to me. We didn’t talk often, and we could annoy the hell out of each other, but I knew she was there and I could pick up the phone to call her. We could sit and bitch about anything and laugh at everything. That was taken from me. It sucks. It hurts. And I hate it. So, I’m angry about that. If I’m honest, I’m even angry with her and that is hard to admit. I know she didn’t get cancer on purpose, however, I’m still allowed to be angry. Right?
Then you throw on all this garbage happening with the coming election. We have a broken political system allowing the least qualified among us to become President. Look at our current options. They’re all terrible. I don’t want any of them, sure I can vote, and of course I will, but where will it get us? Who will it get us? What lays ahead of us? We trust these people not only with our country, but with our lives and livelihoods. Yet, I wouldn’t trust any of these idiots to make me a PB and J. Ugh. I don’t really want to think about it, because it’s terrifying.
Yet, here I am.
Remember to wash your hands and don’t touch your face… Seriously! This is the best our idiot leaders have to fight the COVID-19 virus. A virus that at the time of writing this well over 111,00 confirmed cases worldwide with more confirmed cases each hour. And Santa Clara County had its first (of what I’m sure will be many) death related to the virus. What are we supposed to do? Where is our government? What are they doing? What about the CDC and WHO, where are all the scientist? I know everyone is doing their best and people are trying, but it’s not good enough. Yes, of course, the regular flu has killed more people, and I’m sure there is a lot of media hype that is freaking everyone out. I get it. I’m not stupid. Still, we deserve better, and we’re not getting it.
Think about this for a second. I mean really think about this.
In all levels of governmental leadership, they are failing, and we keep voting these morons in. Do any of you really think the next person will do any better? Nope. Again, would you want any of them to make and serve you a PB and J. I sure as hell wouldn’t.
Now, what used to be my bright spot was my writing. It was where I went to escape. To dream of better worlds, adventures that I would love to take. All that fun stuff. But these last few months the well has been dry. And it doesn’t hold that spark for me right now. It’s no one’s fault and from everything I’ve read these things happen. Which allows me to appreciate the break. Sort of. I’ve spent this time editing and refilling the writing well. I haven’t been inactive. I’ve submitted a new novel to my publisher with another soon to be hot on its heels. With luck, they will pick them up… I’m still waiting.
I’m also feeling a bit let down by it all. It’s kind of like my day job, I feel like I give and give and I get very little in return. It’s like I’m there for everyone else and who’s there for me? Of course, there are people there. Of course, people reach out. And I enjoy it. All of it, but there are moments like right now where I wonder why I bother and I question if it’s all worth it.
So, what do I have left right now? I’m angry. I’m annoyed. I’m scared. And I’m in a writing funk.
I know I have limited control over any of it, so I shouldn’t worry about it and I’m trying not to.
In the meantime, I’m working on what I can control. I still talk to my sister now and then, but she doesn’t talk back. I even have a good chuckle now and then over our crazy antics we got into.
I vote, I pay attention to politics, and learn what I can. When it comes to it, I make the best decision I can based on the options presented to me.
And I wash my hands, use purell sanitizer, and try not to touch my face (which I fail at continually).
Mostly, I carry on. That is what I can control. I regulate my reactions and how I respond. I will not wallow in sadness, or angry, or fear, or anything else. I chose how I want to see things. Instead of focusing on all the garbage and all the negative I prefer to look for the positive. I enjoy the little things and the big things. I may not be able to control the world, but I can absolutely control how I respond to it and that’s something.
My point with sharing all this is because I want to let you know you’re not alone, none of us are. Also, we can’t control what is going on around us, but we can 100% control how we respond to it. I’ve said it before and will say it again. Be kind, be the change you want to see. Respect each other (even when it’s harder than hell). Don’t wallow in sadness and self-pity, that doesn’t help anyone. Last, don’t waste your time or emotions on people who affect you in a negative way, you don’t want them to live rent free in your brain.
I’m not only saying this for you, but for me.
Well, my lovely Scribblers try to focus on all that is positive and good. You, we, can only control our small part of the world. We can also control how we respond. Please be kind to one another and when all else fails take a deep breath; in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Until next time have a great week.